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How many damn blogs do I have?

Sorry, kinda forgot this blog even existed. It's funny how that works.

So what's new? You been keeping yourself busy? How's Susan and the kids? Did you ever find that stapler you were looking for? How's the weather? Would you like something to drink? Why don't we talk like we used to?

It's safe to say that I don't grasp the concept of blogging at all.

I promise I'll put something up real soon. Just as soon as I find something I want to write about. Until then, be good to eachother. Or not. I really could care less.

Christmas cards.

I've decided that these would look pretty snazzy on display up here. Try to imagine that they're tacked to a fireplace. An Internet fireplace. That's what I'm doing.


















Psst. They're thumbnails. Don't strain your eyes. Just click on them.

Road rage is my favorite kind of illiteration.

I drove a car off the road today.

I'm not terribly proud of it, but goddamn it, I was already late for work and there's really no excuse for slowing down for a green light with the express purpose of making me miss the light. So I drove my car so far up the guy's bumper that I could've told him what he had for breakfast this morning. I guess he either became enraged or frightened by my actions, and pulled over to the side of the road to let me pass. Which I did. At which point I'm guessing he flipped me the bird, but I didn't really feel like looking at the prick to see how he reacted.

I should probably get my temper under control, but fuck, the driving in this town is so goddamn ridiculious some days that I can barely stop myself from just randomly smashing my vehicle into other cars for shits and giggles. And it really doesn't help when I'm as drunk as I am all the time. So please, just stay the hell out of my way and everyone will be happy. And still alive.

Tales from a broken man.

Say hello to Charlie.

Charlie needed new tires, because he said that they helped his traction during the winter months. I'm a nice guy, so I went out and bought Charlie some new tires. It snowed for a couple days, and Charlie was able to stay adhered to the ground, even while taking corners at 35 mph. He was happy. I was happy.

But tires are expensive, especially for a guy who is in the process of paying back his college loans while renting a deluxe apartment on the North side of town. So now I'm living on a diet of rice and tuna until my next paycheck arrives from on high.

The things I do for my car.

-Erik Hagen

P.S. If you have any money to spare, track me down. If I eat any more tuna, I'm likely to sprout gills.

Missing: White Blonde Male Blogger. Somebody call CNN.

Boy, you'd think I'd update this site at some point, wouldn't you?

Yup. You would certainly think so.

25 Extra Things You Didn't Know (Or Really Care To Know).

1. A 2x4 is actually 1-1/2" x 3-1/2". And yes, some people are anal enough that this bothers them deeply.
2. The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from public libraries. I found that out in my own stolen copy. Suck on that, Wilton Public School Library.
3. The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma. Good to know next time Dracula drops by the place looking to satiate his eternal hunger. Set the brother up with a coconut smoothie. He'll be totally cool with that.
4. The numbers '172' can be found on the back of the U.S. $5 dollar bill in the bushes at the base of the Lincoln Memorial. This is all part of a massive conspiracy. '172' is the exact number of wallabees that fit into the car trunk of a '72 Chrysler LaBaron. And I think the implications of that speak for themselves.
5. There are more chickens than people in the world. If chickens ever get around to evolving thumbs, you might consider hiding.
6. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. Which is why my old goldfish Mr. Gills kept trying to introduce himself to me 15,000 times a day, up until I introduced him to my cat, Mr. Whiskers.
7. More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call. The other 50% can't even go five minutes in their car without being on their freaking cell phones. Goddammit, GET OFF YOUR PHONES AND DRIVE, YOU IDIOTS!!!!
8. There are four cars and eleven lightposts on the back of a $10 dollar bill. The conspiracy thickens. I think.
9. If you want to figure out how tall an elephant is, add up the circumference of two feet, and you get exactly the elephant's height. I wasn't aware that elephants were only two feet tall. Aren't facts fun?
10. The electric chair was invented by a dentist. Yeah, I have a hard time believing this one too. My dentist is a gem.
11. Every person has a unique tongue print. The Department of Homeland Security will be by later to slather ink all over your tongue. If you resist, the terrorists will have won.
12. 1 in every 4 Americans has appeared on television. Mine was on an episode of WWF Smackdown. I am not making that up.
13. In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand. Although there was a report of one researcher who wasted 80 years of his goddamn life.
14. Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula." So, yes, even L.A.'s name is fake.
15. Most scorpions will glow under black (ultraviolet) light. Next time you're at a rave, bring a scorpion with you. Impress your friends.
16. 26 (easily visible, there may be more) states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the old US $5 bill. What does it all mean? You'll know soon enough. Maybe.
17. 47.2% of all statistics are made up on the spot. It'd be funny if I just made that one up, huh? Because I did.
18. Dachshunds were originally bred in 1600 to hunt dachs, which is German for badgers. In other news, apparently badgers aren't nearly as tough as they look, if they can be hunted by tiny yapper dogs.
19. Birds have the right of way on all Utah highways. Yet another reason to stay the hell away from Utah.
20. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo. Take that, ya Nazi elephant bastard.
21. You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television. I compensate for this by sleeping with the television on, effectively burning twice as many calories.
22. Cat's urine glows under a black light. Probably because of all the scorpions they eat.
23. All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20. There's probably a good reason for this, but being a law-abiding, upstanding citizen, I wouldn't know it.
24. Bats always turn left when exiting a cave. It's because of their OCD, I bet.
25. Walt Disney was afraid of mice. So he did the sensible thing and invented a three-foot-tall, shrieking cartoon rat and planted it onto every piece of merchandise he could get his hands on. Now we're all afraid of mice.